Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders

We debated about whether to talk publicly about FASD and decided if it were any other disability, we would not hesitate talking about it.  I for one would love to find other blogs discussing it.  It will be, after all, a factor for the rest of our lives.

Most people with FASD will never lead completely independent lives.  Many adults can not function without very close supervision.  Most people with it are developmentally 1/2 of their chronological age.   They have frontal lobe brain damage.

As it turns out, 3 of our 3 adopted children, have FASD.  We have suspected it in Jocelyn for a while, and now we know that all three of our precious littles have been affected by prenatal alcohol exposure.  They did not do a thing - they did nothing to bring it on themselves.  It is completely a decision made by others.  Yet it is something they will live with for the rest of their lives. The more I learn about it, the more my heart breaks for them.  I am participating in an 8 week webinar on FASD and learning so much.  We once thought it was so precious that our 5 month old biracial baby (caucasian/aa) had Asian eyes.  Now we know it was a sign of FASD.  We thought our 4 year old's precious lips were so beautiful....another sign of FASD.  Their precious faces - telling us of issues to come.  We hear, "They will be seen as being a problem rather than having a problem."  Our hearts break.  It is a disability unseen.  They are not blind.  They are not deaf.  There is no wheel chair.  Their brains are impaired...plain and simple.  It is not a matter of they 'will not.'  They 'can not.'  So many possible diagnoses that now all flow back to FASD.  So many years of searching for answers and now we are finally seeing some answers that make so much sense.

An example of raising a child with FASD that we were given:  if a blind child is beaten for not reading the blackboard...then the child still can not read the blackboard and now is angry and bitter and confused and will act out.  That is how a child with FASD feels when we have expectations of them like we would a 'normal' child.  We are totally revamping our parenting style, altering our expectations,  and still have so much to learn.

FASD is the leading cause of developmental delays in the western world.  Yet about 90% of cases are not diagnosed.  We need to raise awareness.  I think the stats say that 80% of women drink alcohol and about 25% of pregnancies are unplanned.  So many, many more children are affected than their mother's ever admit to drinking during their pregnancies.

It would be easy to give in to the hopelessness of the situation, but we remember that God is in control. He loves our children even more than we do.  "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."  Jeremiah 29:11.  This is my prayer for our children.

5 Weeks In

We are still hanging on.  Just when we think we can not continue with this placement, someone steps forward with just the encouragement that we need to keep us going.  Our sweet friend Jessi has brought us meals and games and treats for the kids.  Thoughtful things like cookies to decorate and an Easter book and detergent.  Another friend, Jamie, has come over to help out with the kids.  A church, North Ridge Church in Jackson, sent a team Sunday to mow our yard and clean our house.  We leave for church with everything being a wreck, and come home to everything being spotless.  They even did some laundry!  It was amazing.  And 5 weeks in, we have yet to have to buy diapers for the baby.  Our friend, Paula, bought Easter shoes for all of the girls and clothes for the kids.  Our friend, Jane, helped with the birthday party for one of the girls.  Someone at church on Sunday, whom I do not even know, came up to me with a check to help offset the expenses that come with 5 extra kids.  I can not begin to list everything that God's church is doing to help with these kids.  We are so very grateful and moved.  It just blows us away.  We truly have a community pitching in to help with the kids - and it is not going unnoticed by the girls.  Even though they are kids, they are asking why people care and why people are helping us.  It has made for some great conversations about God's love.  Having 8 kids in the house is very challenging and having 8 kids in the house who have experienced loss and trauma is the hardest thing we have ever done.  Most days, this is how Scott and I feel at the end of the day.  But you are all making it doable.

Sweet Jocelyn is loving having new friends, but is exhausted after a day of play!

Some things are getting easier.  Like one of the girls is playing basketball.  I wish I could show clips of her on the court.  Her face is pure happiness the entire time, not something we see in her in other situations.  Then another one, who refused to even help fold clothes 5 weeks ago, helped clean her room, dusted, swept, mopped, and helped serve a meal to the other children all just this past weekend.  A huge turn around.  Another is slowly learning kindness and manners.  Another gave me a quick peck on the cheek tonight - a first for her to initiate affection.  Another sang along with the music in church for the first time.  Beneath it all is still hurt, and we continue to pray for healing for all of them.

Benjamin has had a few hard days.  Things we are slowly working through but still it is hard to see him struggle with new feelings and restrictions.  Most days, he continues to be a joy.  Today I found him sitting on his bike in the driveway.  I asked what he was doing and he said he was waiting on the girls to get home from school.  Even though it is chaotic with them here, he is enjoying them being around.

Jocelyn is learning a great deal about interacting with her peers, something she has not had much experience with so far.  I think it is a period of growth and learning for her.  We have an appointment with a geneticist tomorrow to start getting to the root of some of her issues.  We could all use some prayer covering our Jocelyn.

Ellie Grace has come a long way in learning to share in the past 5 weeks.  In the beginning, she spent a great deal of time in tears and now, rarely cries over someone playing with her things.  She is so secure with her place in our family - there are no doubts in her mind where she belongs.

We can not all fit into either of our vehicles so we have been taking two whenever we all go somewhere.  This past weekend, we all went (together for the first time thanks to our church loaning us the church van) to a picnic and Easter egg hunt put on by Bethany Christian Services for adoptive and foster families.  The kids all had a great time.  They had their faces painted, rode horses (over and over!), hunted eggs, and had a great lunch.  I wish I could post pictures but there are strict rules about not posting photographs of foster children in order to protect their privacy.  If I could, they would guarantee to make you smile.  :)

So here are a few of the kids we can post pics of:


Ellie Grace having fun in the puddles after all the rain we have had.

Jocelyn with her Ali Kat on her spring break.

Benjamin has mastered his bicycle and absolutely loves it.

Thanks to all of you for being our support network.  Without you, we would have thrown in the towel by now.  We appreciate all of your prayers and the meals and your love and the paper products!

One more that I can not resist posting...

 God's light is shining brightly through you.

A Whole New World

Dr. Karyn Purvis says, "Kids can not give back to you what has not what has not been poured into them."  We are finding this to be so very true this past week.  We have accepted a foster care placement that is stretching us like nothing else.  It is heart wrenching.  Truly Benjamin, who is from a 2nd world country, adjusted more easily than these kids who are from the United States.  I think so many people are in a fantasy world and think that kids in the U.S. have it made.  They do not.  From first hand experience.  I can not put it more simply.  There is no welfare system that can make it ok not to have a family system in place.  These kids NEED family.

Benjamin has been incredible this past week.  He is showing compassion and patience beyond his years.  And Jocelyn and Ellie are being stretched.  They are all going through something completely new to them.

Caroline, our 19 year old bio daughter,  has been home this past week and she has been on mission trips to Honduras and Peru and has helped in numerous other ways for those less fortunate  Even she says nothing compares to this past week.  Really, we are in the trenches on this one.

We (we being Scott and me and our biological children) have laughed that people often think we are this prim and proper family, haha.  If those people could only see us now.  It is a whole new world.  Taking totally not prim and proper to a whole new level.  If you know us, and you see us coming, you might want to walk the other way.  Really.

We have so many people to thank.  And absolutely no time for thank you cards!  Please forgive us.  So many meals brought to us, so many groceries brought to us, so many friends just willing to talk to me to help me maintain my sanity!  And bunk beds ordered for the kids from Ukraine!  And clothes and diapers and on and on.  We are so blessed by the number of people who care for the least of these.  These kids will forever be impacted by the love of people who follow Christ's commands.  One of them said, "I never knew you could just order food and have it delivered!"  That is you.  People who care.

I have to be vague right now but if you could keep our foster kiddos and us in your prayers, we would be ever so grateful.

Really.  "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, shall not perish, but have everlasting life."  John 3:16

I have no pictures for this post, because really, who has time to take picture with 8 kiddos?!

Settling In

The past few weeks have been very busy for us and we have continued finding our way as a slightly larger family.  I have heard it takes about a year to really gel when you get a new family member and I am starting to believe it!  There is just so very much to learn for all of us.
But we are having fun too.  We went to the city park one day and walked back to the little pond behind it.  It was a sunny day and turtles were out sunning themselves and this made Benjamin's day.   It was fun to see his joy over seeing turtles.

                              Ellie can not help but make faces now when we take pictures!

We went walking one day and the kids picked up pine cones to make bird feeders.  They enjoyed making them and watching the birds eat from them.  When given a task, Benjamin always looks so serious and works so hard to finish it and do it well.  The girls had lots of fun with it though, as always!

We went to a supper for foster and adoptive families and our kids had such a great time.  I think it is so important for them to see that we are not the only family put together a little differently so I hope things like this will be the norm for them.  And of course, we enjoyed visiting with actual adults too!!

                        This is the kids play table so that the adults could have some time to visit!

We met friends at the Mississippi Children's Museum one afternoon and the kids had a blast.  Everything is still so new to Benjamin and he ran from station to station taking it all in.  At one point we got in the elevator to go to a lower level and it dawned on me how much he has changed.  While we were in Ukraine, he was afraid of riding in an elevator and now he does not give it a second thought.  It is amazing to me how quickly he is adapting to so many new things.

This past Saturday, we had blocked off the day so we could be at home and get a few things done.  It was a beautiful day so we spent it outside doing some yard clean-up.  I think it was Benjamin's first family work day and he took it in stride.  We had some very tired children by Saturday night!

You will not meet a harder worker than Jocelyn and Benjamin was not to be out done!  It                          took all their strength to pull this load to the burn pile.

                                      And of course, Ellie Grace always does her part.  ;)

In church Sunday night, Benjamin's and Jocelyn's choir class sang in church.  Jocelyn loves getting up in front of people so we knew she would be good.  But we were not sure how Benjamin would react.  He did great!  He looked so serious and so focused.  If we caught his eye, he could not contain a smile though.  It was really sweet.

                                       Here is Benjamin trying his best not to let a smile escape.

                                              And here are both of them fully into the song.

We are managing to fit in lots of school in addition to all the fun.  Benjamin has learned to count by 10's and we are working on counting by 5's.  He is learning addition and subtraction facts and his reading is coming along.  Jocelyn, for the first time ever, has started being able to write her name correctly......correct spelling AND correct use of upper and lower case letters.  This is a huge step for her!  An occupational therapist that we saw with Jocelyn 2 weeks ago suggested we try Jocelyn writing on a vertical surface and I think that is making a huge difference for her.  Baby steps are still steps forward and we are grateful for that.  Today we read about Moses and the burning bush.  So after lunch, I put in The Prince of Egypt for the kids to help bring the story to life for them and to give me some time to write.  It is winding down now so I better as well.  Thanks for following our journey!

A Week of Good Things

We had a week of many highlights this past week.  All things that might seem insignificant to most families, but to ours, they are huge.  Jocelyn struggles to learn and we have worked on her writing for a couple of years.  This week, she finally shifted her 3's to the upright position.  After hundreds of attempts and always writing them like an m, she has caught on!  She also struggles to express her thoughts and one day I could tell she was deep in thought.  I asked her what she was thinking and she said, "I am thinking that my family loves me."  Such a precious girl.

                                                                 Just look at this 3!

One day I could tell Benjamin was a little downcast and I asked if he was ok.  He said yes, as he always does.  So I asked if he was sad and he said, "A little."  I asked him if he was missing Ukraine (He has not once expressed sadness over Ukraine but I could not think of anything that had happened that he could be sad over.).  He said, "No,  I sad I am hungry."  So he got some food immediately and praise for being able to tell me that.  It is very hard for most kids from hard backgrounds to identify feelings and to express them so I was very happy that he was able to tell me that.

Two weeks ago, it seemed like Benjamin and Jocelyn were arguing endlessly.  I had finally had it with being their constant mediator so I told them we would just do more school when they could not get along.  They are always happy while we are sitting at the table working and if that is what it takes to keep the peace, I am content to do it all day!  Well this week, they have been as happy as can be.  Any time a small issue comes up, they immediately look at me and declare, "No fussing, no more school!"  It is still not perfect, but they are playing much better together.

                                               Aren't they the picture of happiness. (haha)

Today is the anniversary of when we picked up the girls four years ago.  Since Benjamin has been home, it has sparked many more conversations with the girls about how they came to be a part of our family.  Since we were in Jackson this afternoon, we went by the places where we picked up each of them and talked about what it was like four years ago.  They both seemed very happy to hear the story in the actual places it all started.

Our church's missions minister takes a team once a month to Mississippi Children's Home to lead worship with the kids there.  We went with them several times last year but had not gone with them since Benjamin has been home.  We hesitated to take him this soon but we thought he might just think it was a different church.  Towards the end though, Benjamin was putting it all together and asking lots of questions.  I guess a kid recognizes what he has grown up in.  At Christmas, he was confused as we tried to explain getting gifts together for area foster children.  I think he believed that we have no kids in America without parents or families to take care of them.  He was very serious-faced when he started whispering to me asking if this place was an "internaut" (orphanage).  I did my best to explain that the children's families could not care for them right now so they are living at MCH.  He asked if they slept there, if they ate there, if they went to school there, and on and on.  He asked if the same missionaries who came to his orphanage in Ukraine came to MCH too.  Finally he said, "This Pishanna," very matter of factly.  It is obvious there were lots of emotions going on as he continued asking questions.  But isn't his bewilderment that we have a need for such a place right here in America how we all should feel?

Happy Birthday Ellie Grace

Four years ago today a precious baby girl was born.  We got a phone call telling us a baby was being born who was going to need a temporary home.  We were asked if we would consider taking her and her 3 1/2 year old sister.  We are licensed as a therapeutic foster home and the baby girl was considered special needs.  Other families passed on taking the girls for a variety of reasons and when we were the next in line, we said yes.  Four years later that baby girl is perfectly healthy with no special needs.  I can not imagine the love and joy we would have missed out on if we had said no.  She is spunky, sweet, precocious, precious, and brings our entire family so much happiness.  We are very happy to call her our daughter now.  We love you Ellie Grace!

What a precious gift from God.  It is not possible for us to love her more.  Happy happy birthday.

Outreach

We have been so blessed over the past few months by people reaching out to us and providing us with meals, childcare, encouraging notes and books, cleaning our house, and on and on.  There is something about people expressing their love through serving you that is so incredibly humbling.  We can not even begin to express our gratitude for our church family and our friends and Scott's co-workers.  Then today, while we were at church,  Northridge Church in Jackson, had a team come to our house, rake our leaves and pick up a tree that has been down in our yard for about a year.  They take one Sunday a month to go out and serve someone and this month, their focus was on adoptive/foster families.  It is so touching and moving that they would choose to come help us so we can spend that time focusing on our family.  When you adopt a child, it really is like coming home with a newborn.  There is intensive time needed to focus on integrating that child into your family.  Time that takes away from everyday things that need to be done.  Adjustments have to be made and schedules tweaked.  We are so grateful to Northridge Church and to everyone else who has made our life a little easier by reaching out to us in the past few months.  Thank you.  What an example all of you are to us.


Here is the pile of leaves they ended up with and it is just as deep as it is wide in this shot!